Death

We are never prepared for it....especially when it is someone dear to our hearts  Some avoid talking about it thinking that it will simply go away or fear that if they do talk about it, it will happen. But  it is inevitable; certain.  Some have yet to personally experience such an event in their life, while others have experienced more than their share.  One never becomes desensitized; it's painful.  We grieve not only for ourselves, but for those that have passed and the ones left behind who are also grieving.  So how do we reach a "comfortable" place within ourselves to talk about it? How do we prepare ourselves for such an event?  The following are a few brief stories of my most recent experiences with death and dying and an opportunity for you to find your own comfort level about this topic.  If you're still not ready, no need  to worry, it will be here for you to return to.  I have put together a few things that I hope will help reduce your own anxieties when faced with death.

Over the past few months, I have experienced a distant family member,  now in their final stages of life,  battle cancer. I have watched them transition from a healthy and vibrant  person to a weak and frail being who struggles between letting go of the here and now and making the transition to another life beyond and how it has affected their family members as well as myself.  Just a few days ago, I almost lost my brother to a what I later learned was a bleeding ulcer and waited anxiously by the phone for hours expecting the worst, but was blessed to learn that he was given another lease on life.  I also attended a funeral for someone I once knew.  Her death was unexpected and a tragedy at that.  I had not seen or spoke to her in quite some time, but I had no regrets or sadness for myself.  In the past, whenever we said goodbye to one another, she would always say "see ya later Marilyn", with an upbeat Scandinavian tone; taking for granted that there would always come another day when we would reunite again.  I felt that same way as I said my goodbyes to her yesterday as it did not seem final, just a transition in her life.  Of course, my heart filled with sadness for her two children as I watched them fade in and out of reality; numb to their surroundings.  While each of these situations were entirely different, for the first time in my life, I stepped outside myself and remained objective and observed my feelings, emotions as well as those around me.  I took it all in as a lesson to be learned; one that I could share with others in hope that may better prepare themselves for such an event.


There will never be a "comfortable time" to talk about death, especially our own, as I myself have avoided it for many years now.  But through my observations over the past few months, I feel it is the "right time".  When I was in college in my thirties, I learned of Swiss psychiatrist and internationally renowned author Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.  She was one of the pioneers of what is now known as Hospice and the 1969 author of "Death and Dying".  Little did I know that her name would stick with me for many years to come.  Not because I paid attention, of course, but rather that she wrote a book about the most uncomfortable thing imaginable and now here I find myself referring back to her!  I'm not a huge fan on the topic and I can't say I have ever fully read anything she's ever written.  I simply tucked her name away in my "book of knowledge" as a reference for that "rainy day" so to speak and here we are. 

Hospice vs Home Health Care
It is only natural that when a person (caregiver) is faced with a loved one that has been diagnosed with a terminal illness or is dying as a result of a tragic accident, they become emotionally involved and tend think they know what's best for them.  How in the world could a total stranger walk in to their life and possibly have a clue as to how to care for them like they do?  So they roll our sleeves up and settle in.  For a while, the patient may remain self sufficient and able to do for them self, however over time they become more and more dependent on  the caregiver. What they fail to realize is that they become so emotionally involved that suddenly they are faced with being alone; day in and day out. They find it difficult to allow someone else to come in for one reason or another; guilt that they couldn't do it all; pride; a lack of knowledge; insurance; the list goes on.  Suddenly they are faced with unforeseen tasks; getting them in and out of a wheelchair; helping them to the bathroom; picking them up when they fall; changing bed linens possibly with them in the bed; and/or then the regular routinely chores around the house.  By not seeking the help they and their loved one so desperately need at this stage, they risk injury to both; improper movement and/or the lack of; bed sores; back injuries; broken hips, etc. Understanding the difference between Hospice and Home Health Care services is important.

Hospice focuses on patient comfort; pain and symptom management and support services for the patient and their family members such as counseling and education; understanding that the patient and their family's social, emotional and spiritual needs will increase as death becomes closer.  Their job is to keep your loved one comfortable and make sure that as they become more dependent that they are not alone; the most common fear of many people is dying alone.  Keep in mind that no antibiotics are given at this stage.  If you request them, Hospice will not be able to continue their services.  This can be difficult when often times pneumonia sets in. However if a patient goes in to remission, they would be no longer eligible for Hospice and begin aggressive therapy.  Pain medications, medical equipment and supplies are a covered expense with Hospice as well.  Home Health Care on the other hand focuses on rehabilitation of the patient and requires that the patient be home bound and qualifies for medical equipment and supplies such as commodes, walkers, wheelchairs, etc. Neither of these services provide housekeepers as many people tend to think, however some may have volunteers available to help with household chores.

Understanding and Respecting the Cycles of Grief
The cycles of grief  apply to so many areas in our lives apart from death and we can generally bounce back pretty quick.  But the grief of losing someone, especially unexpected, can be devastating.  Getting stuck in a cycle without any progression toward the final stage of acceptance, can lead lead to serious consequences at times.  I feel it is important to visually see the cycles of grief and understand that one may bounce back and forth between some stages and may or may not be at the same stage as you.  Most importantly is the ability to recognize the stage that you and others are in, respect one another and help one another take steps in reaching that final stage of acceptance.  It is not a time for casting judgment.  Below is a list of the stages and a graph of the Kubler-Ross cycle:

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  • Shock Stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news
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    Denial Stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable
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    Anger Stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
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    Bargaining Stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.
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    Depression Stage: Final realization of the inevitable.
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    Testing Stage: Seeking realistic solutions.
  • Acceptance Stage: Finally finding the way forward.
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  Letting Go
  It sounds so final.  The one who is dying struggles just as much as you do.  It's a transition for them; letting go of  the here and now and moving on to another life.  Many talk about it in their final moments; seeing those they love and places they have only been in their minds.  For those of us left to pick up the pieces, it's difficult to let go for our own reasons.  We become sad for our own loss and wonder how will we go on without them.  But often times they need our permission to pass.  The most difficult thing for us to do is give someone permission to die.  Sounds silly, but in reality, it is often what is needed for them to move on.  When you can bring yourself to be OK with letting go for their sake, it is a relief like no other and you can feel good about celebrating their life; knowing that they are ready and you have given them their wish rather than putting yourself first.  It's only natural that we do, but how wonderful when we can reverse it and give them our blessing.  Don't look at it as a closure, but rather a new beginning; a time for you to take their best qualities and make them your own so that they may live on in your heart forever.  Know that it's OK to let go and that you will do just fine.
  
  
  Preparing for Your Own Death
  Although it is certain, our time is uncertain.  Preparing for your own death may seem to be the more difficult task to face. Why would you want to place the burden of wondering what your wishes were or were not onto someone else?  The best piece of advice I can give you is to start by writing down what you don't want.  We don't always know what we want, but we certainly can come up with things we don't!  It could be as simple as playing sad music.  Writing letters can often be helpful as well rather than leaving it on the shoulders of someone else to relay.  Give the letters to a designated person to hold in a safety deposit box in the event of your demise.  
  
  
  Financial guru Suze Orman has a Protection Portfolio that is very easy to use and inexpensive.  It is written in layman's terms, therefore no need for a dictionary; she provides all of the terminology for you.  I highly recommend visiting the site at https://www.suzeorman.com/index.cfm.  It provides all the information you need and is a proactive means of making sure that your wishes are carried out.  I have no affiliation with the site and do not receive any kick back for mentioning her site.  It is simply a recommended tool.
  
  
  Death is certain.  To many, it  is a transition from the life cycle to the unknown.  I do believe that there is life beyond and I am comforted by that.  Oh, I will still grieve for those I have lost and those to come.   This is only a small part of understanding and becoming comfortable with death and I hope you will no longer be afraid to talk about it, that you realize that it is OK to talk about it, and research on your own in an effort to reduce your fears and/or anxieties in the future. Communicating your feelings and writing them down is extremely helpful.  Share those feelings with others so that they might understand you better when such an event takes place.
  
  
  It is difficult to accept death in this society because it is unfamiliar. In spite of the fact that it happens all the time, we never see it. ~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross~